Well hello all, I found myself a computer available at the local library ready to hammer out the latest gossip, happenings and all around trash. This one might be a short one, all depends if the librarian notices I’m swiggin’ Jim Beam every other sentence, and if I can quit opening up new windows to surf porn sites.
None the less, folks, I present you with the REAL news in and around the UBW:
I promised dirt, and dirt I have brought to you. It appears that the securer of safety, The Crash Test Dummy, has a career that stretches out beyond the yard. According to documents I have obtained through another shady and anonymous person I refuse to cite nor turn over, because THEY ARE REAL! Anywho, it appears that Crash Test Dummy is a real-life crash test dummy. Not from the hit 90s band, but the one used in government crash tests. Obviously, if you did not know this, you are a retard. Importantly though was the job before it, Crash Test Dummy was none other than UBW superstar James Koester! I guess this lays to rest other rumors that the Dummy was a back-up dancer for Milli Vinilli.
If you haven’t heard yet either, the police seem to be invading the UBW. Word has it that the police officer was simply misunderstood. The officer, not a real police officer at all, but a man with an old car, uniform and spare time was attending the show to watch Billy Joe and Joshua Burns wrestle. Stating in a later interview he was a life-long fan of Burns, he was hurt when Joshua Burns began yelling verbal assaults at the officer. None of this, however could be verified.
The Fallen was approached to do advertisements for Arby’s in the Midwest region. When The Fallen reportedly went into the Arby’s in Emporia, Kansas for the shooting of the commercial he became irate, realizing he was in fact in Kansas. Going into a fritz of fury The Fallen racked up damage in the thousands. The local Emporian mayor has requested federal aid and has declared the state a disaster zone. When contacting Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius on the matter she commented saying “where the hell is Emporia?”
The Questionable Lucha Libre, El Que? has requested that his fans not request his autographs before or after shows. When asking this Rumor reporters favorite superstar about why he would ask such from his loyal fans, he replied saying, “Well, you know, I’m going through this divorce, essay. So no um, how do you say this…. no Kitty Tacos for El Que nowadays, which leads to chafing and carpel tunnel.”
And lastly it appears… actually, shit. Library is closing, til next time this a very poor and desperate Rumor Man Pete saying, mail me your loose change and pop cans.
Rumor Motherfuckin Man Pete
